Letting go (Part 2)
“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape” -bell hooks
Welcome back :) I’m excited to share this life-changing experience with you. I’m going to be transparent because I want you to know that there are no quick fixes to healing. To free yourself from the past is a process and often times the steps to get there may take drastic measures. But on this journey, you learn that you are strong enough to handle anything that life throws at you and that you’re not alone.
I was 12 years old when I first set foot on an aeroplane, on my way to the United Kingdom. This evoked feelings of excitement and fear, having never spent so much time apart from my family before. I vividly remember these feelings from twelve years ago, and when a similar sensation arose in my body, at age 24, I paid attention.
I was sitting in the car on route to Worcester about to enter into ten days of silence at my first meditation retreat. Never had I ever spent so much time in silence and the idea of it was mind-boggling to grasp. But as I delved into the memory of travelling abroad for the first time, sweet tranquillity washed over me as I thought about the similarity of the sensations I was feeling. I recognized what I was feeling; fear, of the unknown.
What would I discover about myself bathing in noble silence? The memory of my first travelling experience gripped me and I began to reflect on how significant that experience was for me. I was never the same; the experience gave me a new lens with which to view life. And I became aware in that moment that this experience, similarly unknown would change me forever.
Allow me to invite you to my experience of 10 days of silence. This was no easy feat, as you can imagine, but I was open to the experience, (and perhaps eager) to heal from my past.
The first thing I did upon arrival was signing in. There I gave in my phone — one of the rules was to not be on your phone for the duration of 10 days. I made my way to my temporary home in a raggedly burnt orange cottage surrounded by trees that hovered above. I introduced myself to my temporary roommate and made the necessary exchange in conversation knowing that there was a limited time for conversation. In the common area of the house, I observed the rigid timetable on the wall and familiarized myself with the structure. For the duration of the course, I had to wake up at 4 am and meditate 10 hours a day. I knew this going in, but it still brought discomfort, but I reminded myself why I was doing this: to heal and let go of the past.
After centring myself, I made my way outside and introduced myself to the other participants, and exchanged stories of how we got her. I realized while telling this story that how I got here was actually quite crazy.
Truth is that my past kept on haunting me. I did not know how to free myself from the attachment of my previous relationship. I felt like I was running in circles and I was searching for ways to break this pattern in my life. This is when I was gently reminded by an Instagram poet that there was a way to free me from my attachment, and all I needed to do was book myself in for 10 days. And it was just that simple… no payments. All I needed to do was show up, meditate for 10 hours a day, for 10 days. Okay… not that simple at all, but for once in my life, I wanted to take responsibility for my healing and I did.
Reflections of Day 1–4
For the first few days, we learned a technique called Anapana which is a Pali word which translates to “breath”. This is practised by focusing on the area between your mouth and nose. It was explained to us by the teacher that Anapana enhances the awareness of breath and concentrates the mind. This is technique is known as the prerequisite for Vipassana.
During the intervals when weren’t meditating, we could book an appointment with the teacher to ask questions. Since this technique was so new to me, I always had questions so I made use of that time to speak to the teacher. Other times, I caught up on sleep because meditating for so many hours is excruciatingly tiring.
During the evenings after our night meditation, we listened to the teachings, taught by S.N. Goenka. These consisted of videos which were helpful during the course. His teachings were a breath of fresh air after a long day of meditating; they were practical, motivating, and wise. His teachings also provided much-needed clarity and explained how the technique was helping you internally. His teachings provided context for what we were experiencing during meditation. For example, the repetitiveness of breathing during meditation often caused an irritating sensation on my nose and I even experienced mild headaches at times. But Goenka’s teachings put me at ease knowing that this was all part of the process of how the mind is concentrated.
On day four we learned Vipassana. The word itself means “to see things as they are”. I didn’t understand what this meant at the time, but now I understand it as the technique that purifies your perception of the world. Let me explain, Vipassana is practised by becoming aware of all the sensations on your body, from your head to your toes. This process is repeated throughout the meditation. This meditation helps you to observe the sensations on your body without judgment. The most important thing about this technique is that while these sensations rise and fall, you need to remain equanimous. This means whether a sensation is good or bad, you accept it for what it is in the moment.
I understood only after my experience that this technique prepares you for life. It helps to train your mind so that whatever happens in your life that you perceive as good or bad, you accept it without judgment. Perhaps this sounds passive, but it isn’t. Often we resist what is happening in our lives when we perceive it as “bad”, but what this meditation technique helps you do is not to judge the moment as “good” or “bad”. This technique helps you accept the moment as is.
Mediating for 10 hours, for 10 days helps you to fully immerse yourself into this process of purification. But the real work begins in our day to day life. This is an individual experience and what you put in is ultimately what you will get out. Personally, I experienced healing like never before. I also adopted a different worldview. During the course of the retreat, my perception shifted and by the end of it, I experienced liberation from a particular part of my past. Vipassana gave me the tools on how to do this and my biggest take away from this is that healing is possible. It takes hard work, but it is a liberating feeling to walk away from something that is harming you.
I would love to hear from you: have you ever done something like this or would you be interested in doing a course like this? If you are interested in gathering more information on the course, I would encourage you to check out: https://www.dhamma.org/en/about/code
Write to me if you want to hear more about it, I am happy to answer any of your questions.
Stay grounded,
Robyn x
